When things went downhill for me last year, I felt that I was failing at everything: as a wife, as a mum to my dogs, at work, as a friend, as a daughter, as a sister, as an aunty, as someone who has had weight loss surgery, just as a person. I was failing in every way possible.
I’ve been working hard to challenge some of those thoughts, but they still creep in. She’s my inner critic. We call her Molly. And Molly, well, she’s just not very nice.
Over the last couple of weeks I did a couple of things that made me realise that I can still do things. I’m healing, and I’m tired a lot, and things that used to come quickly now come a little slower, and I’m a bit more forgetful. But I am still competent and capable.
So here is a list of 10 things I did (on different days) that have helped me on this rediscovery of self worth.
Thing 1
I tidied the laundry. The room itself. Clothing wise, it is chaos, that’s a challenge for another day/time. But I made the laundry useable.
Thing 2
I mowed the front lawn. When hubby and I bought the ride on lawn mower I was sure it was going to be his toy. But I love it. Also, there are no gender norms/roles in this relationship, we try to give and take equally. Except when it comes to spiders and things. They’re all his, I just can’t.
Anyway, on this day I mowed the front lawn, and in doing so, it looks neater, I got some time in the sun an I achieved something.
Thing 3
It’s not much, really it’s not, but our kitchen has been chaos for the longest time and I spent an hour cleaning it. Well, a corner of it, there’s still a long way to go. Rearranging cupboards, sorting out the pantry, decided just how much tupperware two people (and their dogs) really need.
But I did it.
I am thrilled to advise that since clearing this corner of the kitchen, it’s looking even better again. We rearranged some cupboards, threw away old tupperware and only kept what we thought we would use. Everything has had a good scrub and it’s like new again.
Thing 4
On this day, I mowed the back lawn. If you can really call it that. As mentioned elsewhere (or maybe not) we still haven’t done our landscaping and so a lot of the yard over the drier, summer months is just a dust bowl. But there were quite a few areas that need knocking down and I did it!
Alas, I did not photograph or film it. What can I say, I’m new to this whole social media shebang.
Thing 5
The second thing I did this day was wipe down and restock our second fridge that lives in the garage. Its where we keep our spare drinks and things. A very small, minor task, but one that needed to be done and I did it.
Again no photos. It didn’t seem worth it, but upon reflection, it’s all these little things that add up to making life function better.
Thing 6
Called the bank. Survived being on hold for 45 minutes. Despite frustration, maintained my cool, got some information and provided feedback. All very polite.
Background: I hate phone calls. Hate hate hate. Making them. Answering them. Any kind of phone conversation. I hate not being able to see someone’s face and gestures. And if I pause too long to think about what to say they think I’m not there. And it’s just awful.
Thing 7
I did a grocery shop. It was loud. It was bright. I had a list. I was in and I was out.
This may seem like a minor thing, but it’s one of those places that I can find myself so overstimulated that I get snappy and overwhelmed and typically overspend. I was overwhelmed, but I did not overspend and I survived.
Thing 8
Made myself breakfast that involved the stovetop.
I’ve fallen into the habit of just eating out of packets. Anything that’s easy. Nothing that involves more than a microwave. The fact that I scrambled eggs for myself on this particular day was monumental. (Bonus photo of our boys – and the ball that aided in the previously mentioned concussion).
Thing 9
I started an online coding course. I figure I have a bunch of free time and although my brain often feels like goo, I don’t actually want it to turn to mush.
I’ve almost finished the first week, but am struggling a little with the final task. However, it does feel good to be using my brain differently.
Thing 10
Finally starting placing the polka dot stickers I purchased for my library ceiling actually on my library ceiling. If it was up to me, everything would be painted black, but apparently, that’s not great for resale. Here’s a few photos (and a reel on the gram). I still have 2 pages of stickers, so there will be more but I want to live with what I’ve got for the time being.
Yes, I need to remove the stickers from the bookshelves, but it’s really, really hard. Any suggestions?
Note to self: remember to take more footage of things that you do. Social media stuff is hard, it helps if you have video/photo to back up what you’ve actually done…